Sales Agent 101: A Film School For Idiots and Netflix Addicts

C’mon, be honest: if you’re new to the business, then chances are you’re currently on your knees doing your best impression of Willem Dafoe from Platoon, hands stretched to the stars as you shout, “Why God!?  Why did I ever get into this business!?”  Powerful stuff–and you’re not even nominated for an Oscar.  Al Pacino eat your heart out.

Working off 100% commision isn’t for the faint of heart, and not expecting a pretty blonde payroll assistant to hand you a paycheck at your office door can take some time getting used to. Nope, there’s no coasting for you.  Without house money to fall back on, you’re going to have bet it all on yourself and your ability to work your Netflix-binging a** off.  The harder you work, the more success you’ll have.  Don’t expect your Mommy to do your homework for you.

So, by Thor’s Hammer you’re going to have to learn quick, and something tells me you’re not going to be the type to mine the self-help section at Barnes and Noble.  Why go to a bookstore when there’s a perfectly good Redbox down the road.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to recommend a bunch of Wall Street rip-offs–there’s more than enough Gordon Gekko zealots enjoying their daily Monopoly game in Folsom State Prison.  I won’t even recommend movies that overtly involve the real estate industry at all (Who wants to watch a movie about your actual job?  Are you kidding?).  No sir.  I know what kind of movies you’re in to, and I’m here to tell you that you can learn a thing or two from just about any junk you want to pollute your eyeballs with.

These are my recommendations for the everyman agent–and by everyman, I mean the guy (or girl) who wants to make the most progress while wasting the fewest amount of thinking calories possible.  Who says you can’t learn when you’re virtually brain dead?

 

The Conjuring

There’s a few movies I could pick from to fill the designated horror slot (The Amityville Horror, Pet Cemetery, and Sinister are also worthy candidates) but I’ll settle on The Conjuring because it’s the most recent and freaky as all heck.  What is with horror movie families and their penchant to buy any perfect house they can find without looking into their property’s history?  Maybe they should say something like, “Wow, this house was such a great deal!  Why was it priced so low?”  Don’t be that prick agent that “forgets” to tell the family that a mad witch sacrificed her newborn child to the devil in their unfinished basement.  Be honest with your client and educate them on their potential purchase.  You might not get the sell, but if you do then you won’t have to worry about having nightmares about all that unwashable blood on your hands.

 

Mean Girls

You want to learn to how the connect with Millennials?  Understand the complicated, deeply philosophical first-world pressures they face?  Then consider this film your new Bible.  I’d also consider adopting Rachel McAdams’ distinct vocal cadence to establish common ground (after all, I like to think the best mutual rapports are founded on speaking the same language).  Do you, like, totally get that?  Then, like, repeat after me: “skeeze,” “Zen,” “vintage,” “fetch,” “Boo, you whore.”  See, we’re making progress already!  Know your client, and you’ll like…you know…go super far and stuff.

 

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

See Mean Girls above, only with a little more masculinity and a lot more swear words.  Repeat after me: “Dude,” “CENSORED,” “CENSORED,” “FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I SAID CENSORED!”  You get the idea…

 

Up

Got some little gremlins home from school and need a way to shut them up without locking them in the broom cupboard?  Instead of letting them go play in the traffic, this movie is a great alternative and will either keep you smiling or bawling your eyes out depending on your reaction to the first twenty minutes.  Plus, you’ve got here a perfect lesson in the importance of location in determining a property’s value.  A few balloons and a tank of helium, and you too can increase the sale-price of your client’s home.  Which house would be easier to sell: the one next to an interstate or the one with a front-porch view of a Venezuelan waterfall?  Do the research and understand how your client’s property will fare in the context of its location.  Settling on a accurate, reasonable, competitive sale price could be the difference between closing in six days and closing in six months.

 

Dracula

Yes, I’m adding another horror movie.  Sue me.  But this film has a slightly different lesson to teach than its genre brethren.  Instead of serving as a cautionary tale about not properly educating your client, Dracula proves that sometimes, regardless of how much down payment a buyer may have, you just have to know when to say no.  After all the red flags Jonathan Harker sees traveling to his client’s precariously perched castle (terrified villagers, rabid wolves, inexplicably aroused wives, crappy Romanian accents), he still braves the forbidden forest to close a sale.  And what does he get for his tenacity?  How does a locked tower infested with beautiful vampiresses sound (actually, don’t answer that)?  When interacting with your client, try to control as many variables as possible–and few variables are as important as the environment.  As fun as a Romanian holiday sounds, stand your ground and have them meet you in your office.  Remember, even with the hardest-nosed client you should always hold the power.

If that’s not enough to convince you to give Dracula a shot, consider that this is a fairly accurate adaptation of a definite masterpiece of Gothic literature.  You can read the book without the actual reading!  Isn’t you smart!

 

Man of Steel

Note: take an aspirin or two before the film’s final hour.  If there has ever been a superhero film made that makes you physically feel as beat up as the villain, this is it.  Fights don’t just go through city walls, they don’t just go through city buildings, they just go through the whole freakin’ city.  From stem to stern.  Again.  And again.  Until all that’s left is a pile of rubble that makes post WWII-Hiroshima look like Emerald City.  Now, if there’s anything I’d like agents to take from this movie it’s the sheer amount of devastation on display here.  Notice how little attention Superman (and everyone else) pays to the hundreds (thousands?) of citizens presumably dying under all that rubble?  Heck, Superman even finds the time give Lois Lane a nice long smooch right in front of a crumbled skyscraper. Talk about a guy with his priorities in line (it is Amy Adams, after all).

Don’t be this movie.  As an agent, never take the lazy route and divide up your clients into general demographics.  Every client is different, with individual wants and needs.  Listen to them, be genuine, and once you’ve clearly defined what their needs are personalize your approach to efficiently and satisfactorily achieving them.  Buying or selling a home is a big step in anyone’s life–and it deserves to be treated with care and respect by any agent that once to be a part of it.

The Real Recommendations

Okay, hopefully you’ve figured out by now that I’m making this with my tongue firmly planted in-cheek.  But these are a few recommendations I’m dead serious about.  To give you a marginal amount of insight into this demanding industry, try these great films (in no particular order):

GlennGary Glen Ross

American Beauty

Money Pit

Poltergeist

It’s A Wonderful Life

House of Sand and Fog

Coconuts,

Pacific Heights

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House

Enough for you?  If not, I strongly recommend something green.  Picnic in the park anyone?